I Don’t Know Why I’m Still Fighting…

You are my favourite “what if”
You are my best “I’ll never know”

The drunk tests I received from you weren’t from you, but I wish they had been. Maybe it would make existing easier.

I know I can’t expect you to share my feelings. But you know how I feel, and it hurts to not know where I stand in your life. I’m feeling like we’re just acquaintances, but I don’t know. I don’t have the courage to ask you, and I’m just existing in a strange limbo between being a friend… Or not being one.

I can’t talk to you properly any more, and it’s starting to tear my heart to pieces. Not that it was actually in one piece to begin with.

Goddammit, Jack.

What About Now?

It feels like my heart is falling to pieces and I have no way of communicating how I feel to anyone. No one on my course seems to notice me anyway. I just vanish and they don’t even fucking realise. I’ve tried to open up to some of them and all I get is rejected. I thought one guy, Jack, was actually my friend, but it seems I can’t trust any of them. I should have stayed at Elstree. At least I had a friend there. I had hope of doing something with my life. I have no idea what to do now.

I’m Sorry…

I’m sorry for who I am. I’m sorry that I keep breaking down, needing to escape… Barely talking to anyone about what’s going on in my head. I just wish I could open up to someone. 

Maybe, one day I will. But while other people are more important, they are my concern.

Why can’t I stay happy?

I’ve had another fight with Cameron. He’s not happy with me speaking to Charlie… But I’m entitled to speak to who I want to, so long as I’m not in danger. Charlie wouldn’t hurt me.

Which is all Cameron seems to be doing at the moment.

FFS.

This World Is A Beautiful Lie… And I Don’t Want To Be Here Anymore

No one is seeing the real Kim. She’s lost within her own mind. It’s like someone has taken over. “Kim” exists around a few people now. She’s trying to fight back, to take control… But it won’t be long before she’s completely lost.

This is her cry for help. A tiny sliver of the internet, potentially connected to people who can actually help her fight.

Kim needs people she can rely on. Who won’t let her down… Who won’t stress her out. And She’s only three people like that so far.

Life is going to shit, and I hate it.

I’ve reached the point that whenever I’m alone, I feel the need to cry. Most of the time, I control it.

However, the rest of the time, the feeling of being worthless, unimportant, Whatever words go with those, win. I feel genuinely useless a lot of the time. Cam says it’s because I get too stressed, and I know he’s right. But my life is stressful. And I can’t switch off. Everybody has a problem, and no one seems to remember that I’m broken and can’t help. I try. The only person I’ve ever really helped is Cam, and I destroyed any chance of being able to do that again when I hurt him. I still hate myself for it. He’s forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself. Not for hurting the best person I know.

At the end of the day, I just want someone to hold me and prove I’m worth giving a damn about. Because I’m not feeling that anymore.